Absence on a Monday - Watery Mishap

Written by Lina Turner.

Dear David, 

Hope you’re having a lovely week so far. I’m just writing to say that I can’t quite make it to work tomorrow as I‘ve been swallowed by a large whale! Would rather not get into the specifics of how it happened but hopefully you can understand. 

I’m currently writing from her cavernous stomach in the middle of a bubbling pool of gastric acid. There’s not a lot of room to stand, and the acid doesn't burn too much so I have decided to have a little sit-down. 

I wish I could describe my location in better detail for you but I can barely see as it’s rather dark and my iPhone is on non-blue light mode at the moment, apparently it’s better for your eyes. I can feel the krill she swallowed down with me swim about my legs, a bit like those pedicure fish you find in shopping centres. Though it does sting just a little to sit in the acid pool, the walls of my host’s belly are quite plush and fleshy, velvety even, so really I can’t complain. 

Come to think of it, it's rather nice in here, away from the hectic and horribly loud hubbub of day-to-day life. I forgot how much I relished the silence! I’ll give the whale the benefit of the doubt too. I’m sure she didn’t really mean to swallow me, perhaps she is short-sighted and 

mistook me, with my nervous, skittish demeanor for an oversized krill. It could be that those low calls of hers I've been hearing for the past few hours are in apology. 

I have considered the valuable lessons I learnt after last week’s mental health team meeting and have realised that this is an optimal environment for me to start my mindfulness journey from. 

I am calm, relaxed, and slowly rejuvenating. It’s like I’m on a mini-break to the Lake District, only here it’s warmer, far less rainy, and I don’t have to speak to an unreasonably cranky Air BnB host.

Although I’ll admit the journey down the oesophagus was rather stressful and a bit hard on my back. A sensation I could only compare to the torment of driving on the M25 to reach said mini-break. 

Moreover, now that I’ve had a bit of time to mull over my silly little life, I have decided that I’m going back to basics. Minimalism will be my thing now, David. An ‘ism’ to my own! Just like you have golf, microbreweries, and conservatism and Amanda from HR has lesbianism. 

This is freedom, David. No distractions, no corrupting, silly material possessions that have clouded my mind these past years. What a wonderful opportunity to have come my way! I imagine my tiny crustacean friends all facing me now and cheering me on, shedding tears of joy at my revelation, and I sincerely hope you and the team will feel the same way. I don’t even care that my clothes are being melted by the stomach acid! The smell is pungent but rousing!! 

This is my chamber of enlightenment. My past failures are burning away and the things I might achieve in the coming future run rampant through my mind, fuelled by this new flare of life. I would stand up and dance if I had the room for it, and if the floors weren’t so slippery and flooded in the bodily fluids of my most generous host. 

I hope you might forgive any unprofessionalism conveyed in this email. I just thought it would be beneficial for you to have a more holistic understanding of my circumstances and emotional status. Doubtless, I believe this experience has given me a stronger ‘can-do’ attitude and, overall, will improve my performance at MobyCo and Co. I therefore hope you can excuse my absence on Monday caused by this watery mishap! 

Please let me know if you need any more information on the situation or further clarification and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. 

Looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday,

Kind regards, 

Johanna 

MobiCO and Co 

Johanna Pequod: junior advisor in Human communication services Cubicle 96, floor 2 

Contact hours Mon-Mon 5:18pm-5:20pm