CW: This poem contains discussion of mental unrest.
I buried my feelings in the barren crags of my restless mind;
I rejected them as unreal, I refused to voice them,
My body paralysed under their crushing weight,
My weak shoulders carrying the burden.
But something happened to me
And a gloomy shadow seized every nerve in my body,
Devouring my insides, ravaging my quivering soul.
I wonder if I’ll make it through this endless night,
Or, at last, helplessly accept my destined fall.
Precarious, uprooted, unbalanced,
I drift in the obfuscating fog of my brain’s pestilence.
Only the toxic buzz of nicotine temporarily fills its unsettling void,
Only the comforting sound of your voice helps appease its deafening silence.
I restlessly lay in bed; in my head a disturbing clutter
Of selfish thoughts viciously invades my unsteady spirit.
Every inch of my aching body strives to unchain my captive mind.
I uselessly fight, quietly awaiting another, agonizingly familiar, visit.
I know I am defeated;
I know I must surrender.
Irrationality has won the battle
By holding captive my jubilant thunder.
Thus, this letter.
An unsent letter you will never read.
A meaningless, purposeless, hollow piece,
Which will remain hidden with my emotions,
Emotions that I fear may never, never cease.
But I am drowning in the suffocating depth
of my own, twisted thoughts.
And I am desperately reaching
For an untangled rope.
*Illustration by Erica Zaja*