'Near- Perfect'


This is not a superstition,

But in the dissection of male self-image,

As a Christopher,

I face an inordinate amount of competition,

For instance:

I fucked off to Vienna for a bit,

Enjoying beery-schnitzelly toils,

And before I left I looked like

Chris Bloody Hemsworth;

Now I look like Chris Moyles.


I used to have a jawline to rival Chris Pine’s;

Now I’m just Christopher Walking

To the front of the buffet line.


Sometimes I struggle to feel desirable;

It’s undeniable that I’m quite sizeable

A fact I apply to my recent finding

That pretty much any food

Is deep-fat-friable;

And it’s not like I don’t like

Parts of my body, since I’m stuck with it;

I think my face is nearly perfect

There’s just a bit too much of it

And that sucks a bit,

But the crux of it is that

I quite like looking like a trucker

Who’s a sucker for bargain buckets

So, fuck it!


The best thing about self-love

Is that it hurts exactly no-one –

With the exception of

Those people who hate people

Who enjoy themselves.

And to those cunts I’d like to say:

Oi! Cunts! I enjoy myself!

I enjoy myself at least three times a day.


Contrary to popular belief,

This isn’t all about me.

It’s about a culturally toxic snapshot

Of cure-alls sold in health shops;

The solution to your body

Being the solution to your self-love,

That’s pretty shitty innit?

HATE yourself,

SHAVE yourself,

Lose weight,

You’re LEAKING

And REEKING

You can’t get a DATE!

And I’m like: mate.

(Admittedly the last bit is accurate)

But when did polemic become the discourse of the day?


In November, I became an Uncle.

And to my nephew

I aim to imbue

At least one piece of advice:

You’re just fine.

It doesn’t matter

If you get fatter

Or your jeans get a bit tight,

Or if you inherit your father’s

Receding hairline;

That’s alright.

It’s always been more important to be

Nice.


More generally, to you,

The assembled hoi and polloi,

There’s one final thing to proclaim:

OI! YOU LOT! LOVE YOURSELVES!

I do!

I love myself at least three times a day!


© 2018 The Rattlecap

Web Design: Zerlina Digital