Writing by Justine White. Illustration by Annie Whiteson
cw: suicide, OCD, depression

On an autumn day I swim
until an undercurrent
drags me upon a whim
I yield myself, this is recurrent
It brings me bottles
corks sealed shut, long ago
age shows through their deep green mottle
a feeling in my gut, I’m in undertow
To resist opening them
is to delay the inevitable
to self-suffering, I self-condemn
a personal fable
I twist the cork, and
past traumas sing out
I grow frustrated, and shameful
through these bouts
If sirens sing
to be irresistible
then what about
my own song?
A fog rolls across my mind
off a sea of thoughts, into the air
clouded by memories, I swim faster
attempting to escape my despair
The thoughts become intrusive
they ignite
and do a dance like flames
setting my mind alight
until
I become burnt-out
my sea swallowing me
whole, all-out
It engulfs me
controls my every being
I forget to breathe
for the time being
as I silently, seethe
Paralysed
I sink into the depths of my sea
Unconscious
my thoughts can’t bother me
Awake again, I gasp
asphyxia settles in
my thoughts bite like an asp
their poison floods back within
I sob
and wonder, if a fish will bob
for my tears
as if they preferred apples
over the worms…absurd
I’d rather drown
than swim back ashore
no one will have ever known
I rest self-assured
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